someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
