life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
