Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
