tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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