Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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