Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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