ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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