Can i not drive my cunt home
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
