Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
