Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
