I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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