I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
