i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
