If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
