Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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