I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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