i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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