What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
