i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
His nipple licking is glorious
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