I wannas sexs uuuuu
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
