3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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