dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
