I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
