My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
