Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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