youre lurking in front of me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
