Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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