That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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