I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
