i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
