So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
