Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
