I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
