I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Randomize