Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
