I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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