Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
