I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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