the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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