Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Randomize
