That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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