I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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