He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
