He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
