census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
