My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
do herpes really smell.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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