Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
