I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
