I feel great
I just peed on a car
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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