I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
