Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
