I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
