Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
