She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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