WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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