I can feel you judging me through the phone.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
